Winston closing in on return from shoulder injury

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Winston closing in on return from shoulder injury

In the 1990s, Home Improvement was popular enough that it made sense to release a game based on it   at least until you stopped to think about it and asked yourself, "How do you make a game out of a sitcom about Tim Allen dicking raiders jersey cheap around with tools?"  answered that question with a decisive "You don't." So they made this instead:

No, that isn't an illustration for our fan fiction novella about Tim Allen seducing dinosaurs: There really was a Home Improvement game for the Super Nintendo that sent Allen's character on an adventure across exotic landscapes, all the while grappling with a drill and shooting nail guns and Harry Potter spells at pterodactyls. Apparently the programmers were halfway through the game when they found out Home Improvement isn't that Spielberg movie set in a park."Sorry, we got distracted by the Heidi motion capture tests."

Astoundingly, there's an explanation for this madness, and it has nothing to do with someone suffering a cocaine relapse: Tim is on the set of his show within a show, Tool Time, when he learns that his special tools have been stolen, so he goes on a tour of various movie sets to recover them. As for why the presumably animatronic dragons and shit are trying to kill him, that's not explained   it's just assumed that everyone and everything naturally hates Tim Allen."We saw The Santa Clause, you inhuman monster."

Although the first part of the game features Tim Allen swinging around the forest like Tarzan while chainsawing prehistoric creatures, the next levels range from an Indiana Jones Mayan temple to the final boss fight, which is a giant robot battle on Mars.

Even if you managed to ignore Tim Allen's likeness and tried to enjoy this as just another good old fashioned dinosaur punching, robot killing SNES game, it still wasn't worth playing. The gameplay was tedious and the controls were unclear, since the instruction manual was more of a novelty item thanks to this sign in the middle:"Or plot . or logic . or ."

"In retrospect, we were a tad hasty awarding 'Game of the Century' without playing literally any other video game."

In case you're one of those people who missed the 1980s entirely, Porky's was a massively successful sex comedy where a bunch of high school students sneaked into a strip club to get laid, got kicked out, and eventually got their revenge by sinking the club in a swamp. Also, at one point they spied on girls in the school locker room and one of the kids got his dick stuck in a hole in the wall. Clearly, with a premise like that, it would have been a huge missed opportunity not to turn this movie into an Atari game.

The game features four levels that adorably try to recreate scenes from the movie using the Atari 2600's finest pixels. First, you have to cross the street $15 Wholesale Jerseys Store, Cheap Nike NBA Jerseys Offer Frogger style to get to the titty bar. In a total inversion of the spirit of the original, you actually have to avoid the strippers instead of going after them.

If you get hit by anything, you fall into the swamp and have to pole vault your way back up (surprisingly, we're talking about an actual pole).

Porky's Strip Club is located on an old nuclear waste burial ground.

The next scene takes place in what is supposedly a gymnasium and features what is supposedly a naked girl taking a shower. Or at least that's what they were going for, according to the manual   in truth, this looks more like the dungeon where Custer from Custer's Revenge probably keeps his victims.

Note that the dick holes aren't even at dick level.

Once you get back to the street and successfully avoid those terrifying strippers, you must climb the scaffold while avoiding Porky himself, and then indianapolis colts shirt finally blow up the club.

"That's what you get for not letting underage kids illegally solicit your strippers for sex, motherfucker!"

And that's it. That's the entire game. You can beat the whole thing in like two minutes. Amazingly, the game was successful enough to be remade on the Atari 800 home computer, albeit with slightly better graphics.